Monday, December 8, 2008
Coming full circle.....
So I have debated posting about these experiences for months. But I am going to forget soon and I want to remember all of the events around Ryders birth. It wasn't until my experience last night that I realized it is for me and it is important. This is going to be LONG post and it totally won't hurt my feelings to have you skip it over.
So one year ago this weekend we found out we were pregnant with Ryder. I remember it perfectly because our stake holds this amazing live nativity called Follow the Star. We went the night we found out last year, I remember nothing from the event because the whole entire time I was walking around in shock trying to wrap my brain around how crazy the falling year would be for us. I remember thinking that 07 was a VERY trying year for us and we had broken down finacially physically our lives had completely changed. And I was having a really hard time grasping at my new reality.
Fast forward to this year.....Ryder was given the opportunity to play baby Jesus for at the live nativity. I am not that emotional of a person and really I had the most awesome day yesterday. Watching Ryder portray the birth of our Savior, really moved me in a way I can really not explain. There is a part where they talk about Mary and how our lives are really not that much different that we still need faith and that the birth of a child is a miracle. It was then that I realized that Ryder has been a miracle to our family. I realize that people endure all sorts of trials and really the events around Ryder are only a blip of what some people go through but last night it was very clear to me that we had survived and that he is truly special.
These past six months have been the hardest so far for me. I have been beaten physically and emotionally and I feel like I have really come full circle.
Going on bed rest at thirty weeks was VERY hard for me. I am full of energy, controlling and HATE to admit that I can't do it all myself. I had to rely on people and that is such a hard lesson for me. I had to literally put my faith in God that I would able to survive the weeks ahead. I know it was only five and a half weeks but it felt like eternity and the lessons I learned are still important for me.
I feel like the day I had Ryder is such a blur it all happened so fast and I had never been in that much pain in my life and really don't remember much of the day. I remember once they decided to do an emergency c-section everything started happeneing really fast. People from the NICU came and talked to us and explained given his 35 week status he would most definitly be there for the night atleast. My only request was for my Dad and Jeff to give me a blessing. I had never had any of my c-sections without a special blessing and I certainly wasn't going to start then. I have no clue what was said but I remember a feeling of peace and I knew that we could conquer whatever happened.
I got to see him for a split second, I wasn't even able to touch him. The next 24 hours were horrible. I felt so diconnected from reality and most importantly from my baby. I was on all sorts of medicines which didn't help. Finally that night I felt enough strength to sit up long enough to go and see my baby. I don't remember much from that first visit. I remember coming back to my room and just crying he was so scary looking being hooked up to all those machines. But seeing him put my body into healing mode and for the rest of my stay I walked up to almost every feeding to be there. I couldn't help but feel guilty for not being there 24/7 like I had with my other two. I felt like he was missing out as was I.
When I got discharged and we learned that Ryder would not be coming home with me. I lost it and was very upset and just wanted my boys all home together. I didn't take all the nurses were saying very serious, they gave me the bare minimum of information I didn't ask very many questions, knowing that if I knew too much I may break down. It wasn't until about a month ago when I was reading a book about a family and one of their babies had the same thing as Ryder her take on it was so much more descriptive and I had no idea that what he had gone through was VERY serious. (I believe that if I had no all of that I would have had a nervous breakdown.) Another thing I consider to be the hand of God was that at day 5 of Ryder's life he became jaundice.....usually it happens earlier and is the highest at day 4 or 5. I KNOW that he was put on the lights for jaundice for me. Knowing that I had to leave him there and could in no way be there all day everyday this was his of letting me know it was okay to not be with him. We could only hold him during feedings. So it helped me to feel less guilty that I couldn't be there all day. I again relied on the priesthood and Rich and Jeff gave Ryder a blessing which came again as a huge comforter to me.
I understand now that I think the big boys needed mom during the transistion. They had been without mom for weeks and not having my newborn at home though it about killed me helped me to give them some normalcy after weeks of chaos.
When it was finally time to bring Ryder home we had to send Sawyer away with croup. Really I again think Heavenly Father was helping me transistion into my new normal.
Ryder has been my most challenging baby more demanding than the rest, at times rattling me and making me so tired.
But last night seeing that nativity seeing my baby touched me it made me feel like I can close a chapter in my life. Like this year though it has been challenging, I have been so blessed. I am in no way like Mary but I feel like I have gained a new perspective on her young existince her remarkable journey will never be like mine but I love the chance to learn and feel grateful. I am so grateful for my family who drove back and forth taking what ever burden they could, making meals and just sitting with me. I feel like I have been so blessed with great inlaws. They took such great care of us. Driving me back and forth helping with the boys, cooking, cleaning. Really I don't know what I would have done. All of our family knew when I needed help and knew I would never ask. I am so blessed so grateful. My friends who like my family knew I would never ask but did just the right thing at the right time.
Jeff who has been a pillar of strength. I sometimes get after him for not being emotional enough but I know he keeps things together for me. For months he picked up where I lacked as he often still does. Really I feel like we have grown so much as a couple. I don't know what I would do with out him!!
I am so touched my this season and now the nativity will forever mean more to me. I hope to turn to these lessons of faith in the future. I know I saw so many hands come together for me and my family. I really have come full circle and it only took a year!
And if your still with me after that long post....thanks for reading....and you deserve a treat!